I always wished for a different father unlike mine, honestly. I hate my father for he has not appreciated a single side of me yet he never became so proud of me. I really never recognized him as my father–not at all. All affections that I had shown ['coz i'm not showing any no more] was just a show. It’s already payday and I think I’ve received the rotten fruit. I already and would always hate him–’till I die–think of exaggerated things.
Ganito kasi ‘yun, yesterday, my family and I had waken up late for church so my elder sister and I decided not to join the rest anymore. As what my mom would always do, she would not twist my arm to go with her whenever I refuse. Same thing with my siblings and with my father. But things have suddenly changed yesterday…
Mom: “O mga anak opening prayer ako, mauuna na ako sa church, sumunod kayo ha?”
Me, my sibs,&a cuz: silent
ex-Father: silent
Mom: “O yung ate niyo gisingin niyo na. Pa, yung dalaga mo?”
ex-Father: “Grace, gising na!“
Ate: [nakahiga pa] Huh? Late na. Exactly alas-nuebe nagsisimula na yun.”
ex-Father: “E magaalas-nuebe pa lang, pwede pa humabol.”
Ate: “E..”
I just stayed inside my room thinking that I would also be allowed not to join…
ex-Father: “O yung kuya mo? Naligo na ba?” [tinanong yung younger sis ko]
Me: “Hindi ako sasama!” [pasigaw kasi malayo siya eh.. pero hindi ako galit]
ex-Father: “At bakit ‘di ka sasama?” [galit na, pasigaw]
Me: silent
My father stayed beside my door and…
ex-Father: “Sinong may sabing ‘di ka sasama? Bakit ‘di ka sasama?”
Me: silent
ex-Father: “Baka gusto mong makatikim…”
I reluctantly got my clothes from my cabinet and went to the comfort room.
BOOM!
Inis na inis na talaga ako nung time na yun! Ang kapal ba naman kasi ng mukha niyang pasimbahin ako pero siya isang beses lang ata magsimba with a span of six months. Ang kapal ng pagmumukha niya! Puta.
So I stared at my naked body in front of the mirror sa may comfort room. Sinadya ko talagang magpatagal para lalo pa siyang mainis sakin. When I heard his yells already, tuwang-tuwa na ako.
I thought that it was the end. Hindi pa pala. Noong hapon, nalaman ko na kung ano-ano pa pala ang mga sinabi niya sa akin habang naliligo ako. Shit! Puta! Putang ina talaga!
Muntikan na akong maiyak pero pinigil ko ‘yon para mapakita na hindi ko siya uurungan. Mas matatanggap ko pa kung ang sinabi niya eh, “lumayas ka na”. Pero hindi eh!
He never knew how to appreciate nor deppreciate me. He only knows how to belittle me. He thinks that I cannot do a Herculean task, literally. It’s obvious that he doesn’t like me. Well I don’t like him neither! I never really wanted him to be my father, anyway–sends the goosebumps out of me. I swore na hindi ko na siya papansinin.
Let pride neutralize the situation.
copykat said,
November 13, 2007 @ 12:19 pm
woah.. parang scene sa bahay namin dati ahh.. hehe.
pansin ko lang ang daming may galit sa magulang nila.. particularly sa tatay. Yours is not the first story of ‘paternal hatred’ that I’ve heard. I know, because I have my own..
pero dati yun.
You know what, I don’t know the issue with you and your dad, pero ang masasabi ko lang.. do not let that hatred grow deep within you. Hindi siguro madaling gawin, but you have to try. Ako dati, hindi na rin lang kumikibo dahil akala ko, it’s better than reacting violently. But it’s just the same — I’m rebelling against him inside. I wish I could share to you how God showed me na walang magandang patutunguhan ang galit sa magulang. Fathers are not perfect, but do remember that you have a heavenly Father who you can look up to. Yun lang ang isipin mo. 
jaljalero said,
November 13, 2007 @ 12:38 pm
yes, I know there is a God way up there… and I don’t feel his presence. I don’t think that He is helping me
sana mawork-out na ‘tong situation na ‘to.. kanina hindi na naman ako pinansin
bhemhime said,
November 15, 2007 @ 4:22 am
nyaa.. pareho tayong galit sa tatay, pero in a different situation.. Same with tina, i also don’t know whats the issue between you and your dad.. pero tama c tina, don’t let the hatred grow within you.. mahirap pero sinusubukan ko.. everytime kc na iiyak mama ko, lalo akong naiinis.. pero hanggat maaari.. ayokong magalit.. kung ganun lng kadali db?
everything has a purpose.. darating din yung time na maaapreciate ka rin ng father mo.. God only knows when.. Malay mo sinusubukan ka lang nya.. Just pray.. Trust Him
jaljalero said,
November 18, 2007 @ 2:43 pm
i can’t stand him already. pinagdadamutan na niya ako ng food :’c
rakatak said,
November 29, 2007 @ 3:52 am
nakanang. hindi ko kilala ang father mo at kahit ikaw kaya hindi ako magjujudge dahil lang sa entry na ito. naranasan ko rin ang ganyan… at galit na galit din ako. wishing na mamatay na sha. at nang namatay nga sha.
naguilty ako. was it because sa wish ko? wag mo asarin father mo…. kaya hindi ka niya pinalalayas, kasi ayaw niyang mapariwara ka. kaya ka niya pinipilit na magsimba dahil ayaw niyang matulad ka sa kanya na hindi nagsisimba palage. gusto niyang maging iba ka. minsan kailangan mong intindihin ang hindi mo maintindihan.